Grief is something we often talk about in terms of loss, but we do not always talk about how it changes as life moves forward. We know that losing someone we love will hurt, but I do not think we can ever truly prepare ourselves for all the moments when that loss finds us again.
This last year has been tough, and it has made me think a lot about how grief changes over time. It is not always something we feel in the same way every day. Sometimes, it sits quietly in the background, and other times, it can feel just as heavy as it did at the beginning. Often, it appears in moments when we least expect it, even when life is giving us so much to look forward to.
In a matter of days, I collect my wedding dress. In a few months, I will walk down the aisle and marry the person I love. These are moments I have looked forward to, filled with excitement, plans and dreams for the future. Yet, alongside all that happiness, I have found myself navigating feelings I never expected to experience so strongly during such an exciting chapter of my life.
Navigating grief through one of the happiest times in my life is a challenge I was not expecting or prepared for.
There is something difficult about experiencing a milestone that brings so much joy while also carrying a sense of loss. You can be genuinely excited about what is coming and still feel sad. You can spend time imagining your future while thinking about the things that have changed, the people who are missing or the moments you wish could have been different.
Sometimes, those feelings sit alongside each other. Sometimes, one takes over completely. And sometimes, it can feel confusing to experience sadness when there is so much to be happy about.
But grief does not work to a timetable, and it certainly does not make exceptions for the happy occasions in our lives.
There is no point at which we are supposed to be completely over losing someone. There is no rule that says we should have finished grieving by the time a birthday, a wedding or another important milestone comes around. Life continues to happen, and we have to learn how to carry our loss alongside it.
I think one of the hardest parts is realising that grief changes. As time passes, life looks different, circumstances change and we reach moments we once imagined experiencing differently. Things that might have felt manageable before can suddenly bring up emotions we were not expecting.
We can find ourselves wishing things were different, wanting to share our happiness or struggling with the reminder that life has continued to change despite everything we have been through.
And I think that is something people do not always understand about grief. You can be moving forward with your life, making plans and finding happiness again, without that meaning you have forgotten what you have lost.
Moving forward does not mean forgetting. Being happy does not mean you are no longer grieving. And reaching a point where life feels exciting again does not mean there will not be days when the sadness returns.
As I get closer to my wedding, I am trying to make peace with the fact that happiness and sadness can exist at the same time. I can look forward to collecting my dress, imagine walking down the aisle and feel excited about the life ahead of me, while also acknowledging that this chapter brings up difficult emotions.
I do not think there is a perfect way to navigate that feeling. There is no instruction manual for grieving while life continues to bring you some of its biggest moments. Sometimes, all we can do is allow ourselves to feel whatever comes, rather than putting pressure on ourselves to experience things in the way we think we should.
At the SupaJam Foundation, conversations around wellbeing and emotional support are important because we all experience difficult things differently. Grief can be an incredibly isolating experience, particularly when the world around us seems to expect us to carry on as normal.
Sometimes, people need space to talk. Sometimes, they need someone who is willing to listen without trying to find a solution. And sometimes, they simply need to know that it is okay to feel sad even when there are wonderful things happening in their lives.
We cannot always make someone's grief easier, but we can make it a little less lonely by giving them the space to be honest about how they are feeling.
I am learning that I do not have to choose between celebrating the life I am building and acknowledging the things I have lost along the way. Both can exist together. I can be grateful for what I have while still making room for sadness.
Perhaps that is part of what it means to carry grief through life. We learn to make room for it, even when it appears at times we least expect. We learn that it may look different from one year to the next, and that there will always be moments when emotions catch us by surprise.
I cannot control when those feelings appear, and I do not want to pretend they do not exist.
For now, I am trying to let myself experience this chapter as it comes, with all the excitement, sadness, love and uncertainty that comes with it. I am learning that I can look forward to the future without having to hide the parts of it that feel difficult.
Because grief does not mean we stop living, and living does not mean we stop grieving.
We can experience loss and still have wonderful things to look forward to. We can feel sadness while building a life filled with happiness. We can acknowledge that things are difficult without taking away from the good things happening around us.
Grief changes as life changes. It finds us in new places, at different times and in moments we never expected. But we do not have to have everything figured out to keep moving forward.
Sometimes, moving forward simply means learning how to carry our grief with us, while still allowing ourselves to embrace everything life has yet to bring.
